Stuck

Paralysis. That's one way to describe it. I am referring to something that seems to be happening to me recently and which I have had problems with throughout my life.

I am, at heart, something of a coward. If I think of a possible negative consequence of my actions or speech, it can be enough to render me incapable of completing a sentence coherently or even being able to think. It's a reason that, when I really should know, when it counts, I say "I don't know." It's why I can be in someone's company for hours, and be unable to have a meaningful conversation or provide any kind of outlet that a friend should be when you're having a crappy day. Instead, at the mere hint of trouble, I stutter out random facts or make pointless statements at such a rapid clip that it kills opportunities to be, you know, a friend. Not every time, maybe, but enough.

The thing is, there are a lot of good instincts and feelings there, too. Recently, though, it's felt like I hit the paralysis every time I'm about to just do what feels right. Because, unfortunately, even my best instincts and actions have been wrong, and I'm scared.

I envy dogs. A tail wag happens, and they don't consider the consequence. They lay their head on your lap because they love you and don't stop to worry about whether you really want them to. And you forgive a dog when it exasperates you, because you know that even when it does something wrong, it didn't set out to do it with bad intent. They are startled and saddened when they get a rebuke, but the fact that they forget it almost immediately isn't wrong, it's just their doggy mind. And it's completely ok.

Hmm. This is kind of a rambling post, and completely not what I set out to write. But I feel a little better, and that's the point for me.