Renouncing humanity

Being human sucks. I think I want to be a dog. A country dog.

I want to have a farm to run around in, I want to howl at the moon without being too big a pain in the ass. I want to sit by my people on a porch when it's a nice night, and to eat the hot dogs and burgers that get burnt or dropped on the ground during cookouts. I want to roughhouse with kids and chase them on their bikes or follow them when they're playing in the fields. I want to ride in the back of pickups. I want to chase rabbits.

Of course, that would mean giving up a lot of good stuff, too. I don't really want to be a dog that bad, but, right at this second, I'm so tired of the drama of being a person, and it's not even my drama.

Baffling

Overall, not a bad day. A few peculiarities here and there, some good conversations, a fun game of kickball, a couple of ideas for upcoming karaoke nights mulled over.

In spite of a good day, though, feeling restless. It started while we were at the Rose post game, and just hadn't gone away in spite of a quick jog around the block. Upon arriving home, went for a quick sprint down Ross Ave to the Guadalupe Cathedral, sat in one of the alcoves for a while, then sprinted back. No change. Ran on the treadmill for another mile or so. No change. Really?

I was debating doing some planks vs. heading back out to Ross when the phone rang.

Hanging up the phone after close to an hour, I am perplexed and frustrated. Will shit never stop happening to good people? Why are relationships so fucking hard even for the ones who have made a commitment and kept it?

So I guess that made my decision for me. Back to Ross St.

Consulting Death

A long time ago, I wrote an obituary for myself.

It was part of an assignment back in college related to some now forgotten book. As I recall, the purpose of the exercise was to have us consider what we would want to be remembered for by the people in our lives.

I don't have that particular paper anymore, and I'd forgotten about it until tonight. While perusing some random sites, I came across a thought exercise that asked what you would want to be written on your tombstone. What impression do you want to leave? Probably not "They never missed a day of work." Or "They had an awesome car." Not even "They rocked at karaoke."

An interesting question, and useful to sort out what is truly important to each of us. Do I know the answer for myself? No. But I'm working on it.

Boys

There are so many things I fail to understand in life that sometimes it's better to just shake my head, shrug my shoulders, and move on to something that doesn't give me a headache. Sometimes those kind of moments make me smile, others make me sad, and some just really piss me off.

Of course, some topics trigger all of the above responses at some time or another. Can you guess one?

Personally, I don't have a lot to complain about, I suppose. I'm usually pretty happy being single, after all, and have learned the truth behind something my mom has said for years: It's better to be alone than to have bad company. (Wise words, Mom, although I like how they sound in Spanish much better.) Relationships I have had with boys run the gamut of excellent friendships that have stood up to the past decade or so of neglect to, of course, that whole dating thing.

Dating. A word I managed to have nothing significant to do with up through my mid 20s, it now keeps popping up. Often fun, frequently a source of annoyance, it's been interesting. Beyond my own experiences, I've had the advantage of a circle of friends that have contributed their own stories, not to mention getting to see things firsthand. And you know? I don't understand. I just don't understand how things end up the way they do.

Growing up, I got to see my brothers' side of the whole dating thing. Granted, I was way too young to fully appreciate most of what went on with the older 2, but I have some recollections from way back when that have lingered. And you know, my brothers aren't perfect, but I do recall that they were honest and didn't screw around with people's feelings. Overall, they are good guys. Granted, their influence on me is at least part of the reason I'm such a screwball, but I digress. They are good guys. They are loyal guys who love their families. They are guys who work hard and believe in honesty. So, they can't be alone out there. Where are the other guys like them?

PMS and night shifts

This week can't end soon enough.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being over-sensitive about really, really ridiculous crap. I'm tired of feeling mean. I'm tired of acting bitchy. It's like being in a nightmare where you can see exactly how everything is about to go to hell and you can't stop it - I feel my mood plummeting, have an "oh, shit, stupidity is about to ensue" moment of clarity, and it happens anyway.

I'm looking forward to karaoke, kickball, good music, good friends, good books, and sufficient sleep. I'm looking forward to spending some time making my apartment livable. I'm looking forward to doing some running. I'm even looking forward to studying. ANYTHING to get back to "no drama" zone.

About 4.5 more hours tonight, and then down to Sunday. Let's kick it.

Exercises in calm

From starting out the evening with 3 admissions at 7 pm on what is supposed to be a light call night, to having to re-dictate a discharge summary because it's somehow gone missing, to dealing with a 6'5" 350 lb confused and angry man, to being unable to find my flash drive with all my call music, to getting paged every 5 minutes, to pages that lead to being put on hold for 5 minutes as other pages keep buzzing away, I feel so full of hate!

Seriously. No joke. My generally happy nature can only take so much of this, after all, but I'm trying hard to glean every bit of goodness I can. For example, at least my 1st patients of the night had all been very nice people - it's nice to talk to people who are pleasant and willing to laugh at my silly jokes, and it's very nice to help them feel at ease with what I'm planning to do as far as their care. I had an interesting conversation with some of the ER nurses regarding online dating, and was able to make some appreciated suggestions on places to meet. And, of course, there's the welcome relief of instant pictures and texts courtesy of my friends that make me laugh. All those things combined are what's keeping me sane for the moment.

And just think, only... 31 more hours left spread out from now through Sunday night.

...

Ok, done crying. Gotta say, though, I really wish that the group I work for actually did things like, I dunno, honor contracts. After all, I signed up for 5 on/5 off, but was then made to choose between 7 on/7 off vs. M-F with weekends. It wouldn't be so bad, but the fact that there's often pressure to take extra shifts on my off weeks makes me a bit angry. This anger increases even more when I think that, if the original contract were honored, I'd be on my off days by now.

Oh, wait, anger building again. Thinking happy thoughts, taking deep breaths... and a little better.

Oh, angsty solitude!

Because it's the middle of the night, and because I'm sitting in a dark office on an empty floor of the hospital with nothing else to do, I find myself thinking.

As usual, my thoughts are of the best left unsaid variety, but, hey! It's my blog. My space on the great world wide web. My soap box. Hurray!

Primarily, I find myself currently thinking about the kind of person I am and the kind of person I wish I was. Now, overall, it's become a lot easier over the past few years for me to recognize my good points. Low self-esteem is a bitch, but she's been minding the leash a lot better these days, and thank heaven for it.

Of course, good points notwithstanding, there's a lot of room for improvement, especially since there's at least a couple of models for what I consider well-balanced people that can serve as a guide. Among the people I admire the most, several key points stand out:

• Confidence. Be it professional, social, self, or moral, the folks I admire the most have a lot of faith in their abilities grounded in reality. These are people who know their limits and are able to act with assurance within them and are able to ask for aid if necessary without qualms.
• High social IQ. In other words, the ability to interact with others from all walks of life and be able to find common ground, not to mention strong, healthy relationships with people of significance in their lives.
• Strong sense of self. Boundaries are necessary, and they know where their's are and are able to enforce them firmly yet kindly.
• Loyalty and sense of duty. They go above and beyond for those they love and/or are responsible for.
• Coherence. They can make a point or argument clearly and are able to defend their viewpoints intelligently.
• Organization. Both internally and externally, they've got their stuff in order.
• Style. Hey, I didn't say that everything here was deep. The shallower stuff needs improvement too. And interestingly, among the people who have a lot of the other traits I admire, they've got style, too.
• Independence. They aren't afraid to make their own path, even if there is a lot of muttering and naysaying from the peanut gallery of life.

Is there overlap in many of the above? Yes. Is it a complete list? No, but my pager keeps going off and interrupting my musing. But it's a start.